Didn't Need that Paycheck

Oh thanks, I didn't need that paycheck anyway. My wallet is drained, almost down to the last penny. Why you ask? Well because, didn't you know that September is also Christmas for my family. The number of birthdays in my family for September alone is enough to kill Donald Trumps Wallet. Now usually, after you hit about 23, you stop getting gifts. Cards with perverted jokes and attacks on your age are now the joy of your gift opening. To bad for me that most of the gift receivers are under the age of 6. Cake, toys, clothes that get tossed aside with abrupt force and tons of kids running and screaming "CAAAAAAKKKKKEEEEE, PREESSENTS!!!" I have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and almost 9 birthdays that are celebrated in September. This month needs to be a forbidden month from here on out for birthdays. That goes for anyone I know. NO SEX FROM DECEMBER TO MARCH!!!! EVER! I will not allow for it. Picture me standing over you head with a pitchfork, squirting spermicide in you face, throwing condoms, sponges and birth control of every kind on you until the weight of them allows you to can hump no longer! Only from December to March though, because we need another birthday in September like we need a new butt hole.

Rella 2

Two whole years have passed by. Two years of her giggles, her screams, her faces, her first words, her kisses, her "rellas" and her preciousness. My adorable little neice turned 2 today. The other day my sister and I were in the car talking about who knows what and we started to laugh. Little Miss Princess started laughing too and I think I made her say something. I don't know what led up to this but she eventually took this long hard laugh then said "Ahhhhhhhh (descending) Funneeeeeeeee!" I guess you had to be there but that is one of those things that just makes you fall in love with kids. Ask her what any animal says and she will make the sound. Tell her to say Papa Tard and she says Papa Tard. Her parents even have her saying "I Play for Keeps". I can't believe how fast two years passes you by. It's scary to think how quickly she will grow up. That gives me reason number 4,000,001 to not have a kid. This just happens to be a running joke for me and my family . . . actually I don't think they see it as being all that funny. Anyway, I just wanted to send a shout out to one of my homegirlie/neices on her birthday. Every little smile brings joy to my heart.

May 9 - 11, 2008

Here is what I did this weekend:

Friday night I went to my parents church to set up tables for a surprise party we were throwing for my grandfathers' 90th birthday. I took the keys and the alarm code that was supposed to work and proceeded to set of the church alarm. For about 30 minutes Mark and I were going inside and outside talking to my dad and ADT while a robotic voice kept warning me to get out of the building. Mark decided to tell me that we would get booked if the cops came. Um sure, whatever you say there darling. I personally don't think that they will arrest us seeing that burglars usually don't sit around on the curb waiting to be arrested with flashing signs saying "Come Arrest Me. I'm the Thief that Broke into the Church". Anyway, we finally got in, set up 100 peoples worth of tables and waited for my parents to get back from their drunken night at longhorn. After waiting for about 2 hours, losing two games of horse and some dirty talk my parents finally made it to the church in their giddy drunken stupor so we could go home.

Saturday I wake up ready to move and get this party on the road. A few nights before, mom and I ordered some balloons for the party. We neglected to look at the size of the balloons on the packages. Three nines, three zeros, one over sized "happy birthday" all about half my size along with 10 latex . . . wait, 9, oh damnit . . . 8 latex balloons were stuffed into my car. I drove home pretty much with my head out the window so I could see the road. All of this and not one of those suckers popped. I am magnificent! Well, we get there, get everything set up, get the blue cake, yes the blue cake, out, the pictures up and the alcohol out. Let me just tell you, old people don't hesitate to jump right on it. There was a hord of people hovering around the drink table. My grandfather finally came in, surprised as ever and not getting one second to eat. Never in my life have I seen or known a man as loved and respected as he is. I was in awe at the number of people who came and at all of the passionate and caring words they had for him. I can only hope that I am still as intelligent, wise, respected and loved as he is when I am 90. After it was all over and everyone has a blue mouth, I got sent home with half of the leftovers while my brother and sister-in-law bolt out the door with what was left of the alcohol. What a bunch of stingy lushes! I finally get home, put my feet up and rock myself to sleep telling myself I will never do this again.

Sunday I wake up, stiffly get out of bed and try to walk only to realize that I am slowly inheriting my mother's bad knees. It's time for me to clean the house, go to the store and get ready for the rugrats and the rest of the fam to come over to celebrate them being overtaken by the urge to have children. So yesterday was filled with high pitched children, a bunch of "I didn't do its", or "she took my chips", crayon all over the floor, "CHICKMUNKS!!!", chinese new year calendar, tear jerker cards, jokes between siblings, stories from long ago, one dog on top of my mother-in-law, two exhausted parents/grandparents, leftovers and wouldn't you know it, those lushes aren't stingy after all. The night ended with a few beers, a lot of "YOU HEIFERs" and a 5 year old crying because her braids were too tight.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY FAMILY. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDPA.