Can't Seem to Figure It All Out

I am trying to figure out where my sudden bouts of depression come from. I am also trying to figure out why I can't just cheer up and get over it seeing that I know I'm doing it. For me this is strange. One minute I'm a happy camper and the next I feel like I am lost and that I don't belong anywhere. Everyone would tell me I'm just being stupid, but it is actually something I feel I have started to battle. I know Mark is getting really tired of it. I can just as quickly ignore him as I can give him a kiss. I get so caught up in what isn't that I can't seem to be happy with what is. The worst part is that, like I said, I recognize this but can't seem to do anything about it. Everything and everyone around me is great, but for me there is something missing and not in sync. I hate getting deep and emotional, but sometimes you can't help it. Sometimes you just need to get it out but don't want to worry others with you "ifs ands and buts".

I miss my mind being in a state of accomplishment and being proud. I haven't been able to find that feeling in about 4 years now. It comes and goes in spurts too. It never stays for a long visit. I find myself overly motivated one day to the point that I can't even make sense of my thoughts and so unmotivated the next that I feel like just another average spec going through daily life. Some people are happy doing that, but I'm not. I'm not happy being indecisive and unmotivated and too motivated. None of this makes sense. Hence the reason I am writing it. I get so listless and bored when I can't find drive in my life. I really hope that this blog helps me put one foot forward. I don't how much longer I can tango with my mind.